Breastfeeding. Be prepared to feel like your nipples will fall off.

Image credit: Giselle Dekel Illustrations (LOVE her work)

Breastfeeding. It was the source of so much pain, confusion, frustration, exhaustion, and mum guilt.

Gahhhhhh! 😫

There is no mum out there who has had a ‘lovely’ breastfeeding journey without some sort of issue - if you ever find her, please tell her I would like to chat.

Why oh why do women not talk about breastfeeding? It’s mentioned here and there, yes, true, but why did no one sit me down and warn me what it was potentially going to be like, before I had kids?

Well, consider this that chat.

TL:DR situation? Listen to our podcast episode on breastfeeding instead! 🎙️

It’s natural. But this does not mean breastfeeding will come naturally, or easily. It was NOT easy.

Back when I was pregnant with my first son, boyyy, was I naive when it came to breastfeeding. Somewhere along the pregnancy, I made the decision that I would breastfeed for as long as I could, that it was best for him, and that it was the ‘right’ thing to do, and… as it was natural, it would work out.

That was it, final decision.

But as my husband now says,

“A non emotional wreck of a wife who’s not sobbing about breastfeeding, is best.”

True story.

The very first time I held my oldest son - I was overcome with emotion. The connection was instant. I felt the hormones racing through my body. And the milk. It was well and truly coming. I could literally feel the milk coming! It was painful! Your breasts can get quite sore when this is happening.

I was lucky to not have a supply issue. My little ladies did really well in that department. But, I do know from many girlfriends that this was not their experience. There can be supply issues, which can be really stressful for a mum. You think because it’s natural it’ll all work, and you’ll have as much as you (your child) need, but this isn’t always the case.

For me it was getting the milk from my breasts into my son that was difficult. This was the step that caused so much pain, anguish, and mum guilt.

It will definitely hurt. Sometimes, a lot.

I will never forget the first few times I tried to breastfeed my oldest son… OUCH. It was painful. And it was the same experience with my second… actually, it was much worse.

The likely scenario you’ll face is after what felt like an eternity in labour, you’ll find yourself in a hospital room, with people coming and going, your body depleted, your mind exhausted, and your baby needing a feed. Newborn babies often cluster feed as well, their tiny little mouths constantly wanting your milk.

Contrary to what I originally thought, breastfeeding is not just thrusting your nipple into your baby’s mouth.

Nope. 🤦🏻‍♀️

How do you hold your baby whilst you’re breastfeeding?

How much of your nipple goes into their mouth?

How long do you feed for?

How do you know you’re doing it right?!

What if your baby doesn’t latch on?

And what if it really hurts?

I was repeatedly told I was doing it wrong. Too much nipple, not enough. There was blood. My nipples were cracked, bleeding, tender, and anything that touched them felt like sand paper. There were many tears (from me), feeling like a failure, mix that with exhaustion, and frustration. I was also processing the experience of showing strangers my breasts, and having them manhandled by different nurses and lactation consultants.

I remember my newborn coughing up blood because my nipples were so damaged.

I remember thinking they might just drop off. Seriously.

But I persevered, and managed to breastfeed my first son for 6 months. But, that initial stage of learning was tough! It did get easier… but there were many times I felt like quitting.

Your body is no longer your own.

Straight after having my second, I remember laying in the hospital bed, alone, exhausted, hormones raging, worried about breastfeeding… and realising that my body was really not just my own anymore.

As wonderful as it is to be able to feed your baby with your body, there will be times when all you want to do is have a shower, or a nap, sit down and eat something, and you can’t… because your baby is hungry and wants a feed, and you’ll put yourself and your body second.

Me trying to breastfeed my second son...

You will get mixed and confusing advice.

Be prepared for a lot of confusing information and advice from everyone.

Your mum did it one way, the Midwife will tell you another way, your girlfriends will all have their advice. And some will be quite pushy on their thoughts (‘breast is best’ for example).

This was all quite overwhelming.

I remember when the nurse came and visited on day 3 (I think), and I was holding back tears. She asked how it was all going and I was an absolute mess.

She was such an angel and I will never forget how her support helped so much. She listened. She gave me advice but wasn’t pushy about it, and she validated my efforts, and really respected my point of view. Bless.

It’s lonely.

As hands on as your partner is, breastfeeding can feel quit lonely.

Especially in the middle of the night when you’re stuck cluster feeding those early days. If you also end up pumping, you’ve got to feed the baby and then clean and sanitise the bottles as well, then repeat, and repeat again.

Pumping is NOT giving up. It can be tougher in other ways.

With my second, I pumped for about 3 months until I could not do it anymore.

On top of feeding your baby, you’ve got to also do the pumping, and the constant cleaning of the bottles and pump. Each session could take an hour or more. Some nights I was doing this multiple times.

I went to see the doctor as my breasts were burning up, feeling really sore, and tender… I thought I had mastitis. I explained to him that I tried breastfeeding, but that it didn’t work this time around, that I’ve been pumping through the night etc, and that now my breasts were super sore. He looked at me with kind, knowing eyes, and asked

“Have you considered… stopping pumping?”

Ahhh, honestly, I hadn’t.

I burst into tears, and when I got home I started the process of weaning my breasts.

Giving formula is NOT giving up.

I did feel that I had given up. But I knew giving up pumping was the right decision for my mental health and wellbeing. And therefore, it was also the best decision for my baby and family.

If you decide to give formula, know that you have NOT given up, that you have NOT failed, and that your baby can still thrive. You are doing a wonderful job.

Remember to do what’s best for you and your baby, f*ck everyone else.

Reflecting on my breastfeeding journey brings a lot of flashbacks which make me cringe. Oh the pain. But mostly because it was my first real introduction to what mum guilt was. And the lingering effects it has. Years after and there is still a part of me that feels guilty about not breastfeeding my second son, although I know it was the right decision!

The one thing which I wished I had done earlier, was to do what was right for me. But when it’s your first time, it’s so difficult to know, to consider all the options and balance the pros and cons…

I wish you the very best on your breastfeeding journey!

If you have any feedback (maybe I missed something super important), or if this resonated with you, please let me know.

Nhi x